cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
