I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
