I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize