am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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