You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
