did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
