I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
