Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
