Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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