Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
