I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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