last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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