Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
