Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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