Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
