I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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