I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
