Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Less talking, more tequila
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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