Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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