your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
