my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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