Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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