i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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