I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just puked most of my soul out..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
