OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
