He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
