Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
