I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
