I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
