I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
