Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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