The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
