hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
