She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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