Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize