Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish I only lived at night.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
