turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
