I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
