Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
3pm strippers are depressing
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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