I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Someone shit on the floor
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
