He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
