if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
