They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
time to smoke my breakfast
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
