the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
