I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
