I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
