I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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