you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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