Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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