Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
