I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize