yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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