uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
