Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
