I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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