I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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