I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
