The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Shame - the story of my life.
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