And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
