How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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