i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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