I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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